15. Coach Pelini announces he will hold back the coveted Blackshirts.
In an act of solidarity with his defense, Carl Pelini insists on sporting a goatee until his players earn the traditional jerseys. The website www.familywatchdog.us immediately lights up with a new suspicious offender in Lincoln.
14. The Huskers storm out of the gate 3-0 with wins over MAC and WAC doormats.
Nebraska Bookstore sells out of the "My BO-friend's back" and "BO Big Red" t-shirts. After early explosive eruptions from the Husker head coach, The "Bo F*ck Yourself" and "That's BO-sh*t Ref!!!" shirts make a strong debut.
13. Huskers fall flat on the national stage with a 35-30 home loss to Virginia Tech.
Jamal Lord...err, Tyrod Taylor runs rampent over the young Husker D. Reality rains down on Big Red fans like black ash from Hiroshima.
12. Mizzou struts into Memorial Stadium and hands the Huskers a 52-17 beatdown.
Husker fans find solace in Chase Daniels booger jokes. The 8 pm kick-off sends thousands of Drambuie and scotch soaked Nebraskans exiting Memorial Stadium at halftime to rev up old 1995 highlight videos on VHS.
11. As Husker fans sulk, the Big Red rallies with a near overtime stunner against the Red Raiders.
With visions of mediocrity dancing in their heads, the Big Red Nation curses Joe Ganz's errant overtime interception with language that would make Bo Pelini blush and Tom Osborne poop his pants.
10. Offensive Coordinator Shawn Watson shows off a revamped zone read offense in a 35-7 thrashing of the Cyclones.
Coming off 3 straight losses, Nebraskans comfort themselves knowing the program hasn't fallen to the depths of Iowa State and, though also filled with corn and empty landscape, at least Nebraska doesn't smell like rank refried beans.
9. WR Nate Swift breaks Johnny Rogers' all-time receptions record in a 32-20 home win over Baylor.
After the game, Rogers pleads with Swift, "You can have the Hy-Vee Grand Opening appearances, but please don't take away amateur night guest DJ at the Razzle Dazzle."
8. The Sooners jump on shellshocked Nebraska 35-0 in the first quarter en route to a 62-28 blowout.After previously showcasing the Huskers' early season blowout against Missouri, ESPN's Vice President of collegiate programming Chuck Gerber immediately books reruns of Fossilman's historic 2004 World Series of Poker win for all possible future Husker telecasts.
7. In the aftermath of the Oklahoma debacle, Pelini acknowledges he needs to control his temper for the good of the program.
Tom Osborne sits down over Nancy's homemade macaroons, marmalade, and some Sleepy Time tea to discuss Pelini's televised tirade against Oklahoma.
T.O.: "Hey Bo how about a 'dadgummit' or 'doggonit' in place of telling the ref you are going to eat his children?"
B.P.: "Tom, this shortbread is f*cking delicious."
6. The Big Red kick off a renewed focus on a 3-game season with a 45-35 win over the neighboring Jawhawks.
Following the Jayhawks loss, there is a mysterious run on Salisbury Steak at all Bob Evans, Cracker Barrels, and Flying J diners along I-29 from Lincoln to Lawrence. When asked about the shortage, KU Head Coach Mark Mangino denies any role as a mischievious grin creeps across his face. A reporter from the Kansas City Star asks, "Coach...is that mushroom gravy on your poncho?"
5. Junior DT Ndamukong Suh is named Big 12 Defensive Player of the Week in recording 12 tackles and 2.5 sacks in addition to a 2-yard TD reception in the win over Kansas.
In preparation for 2009, Suh books an extended stay log cabin in the Siberian wasteland building muscle mass by sawing logs, loading boulders, and pulling his crazy brother-in-law Paulie on a sled. The KGB can't hold Ndamukong down! What? *
* NOTE: Rocky IV reference tally - 8
4. Senior LB Cody Glenn is suspended indefinitely for violation of team rules.
The senior running back turned linebacker defends himself by saying, "If breaking speculated reports of unidentified violations that no one can seem to verify is wrong, then I don't want to be right!"
3. Empty seats in the student section draw Athletic Director Tom Osborne's ire.The Athletic Department hasn't seen Coach Tom this mad since the local CW affiliate cancelled syndicated Matlock episodes in lieu of Murder She Wrote reruns. "Dadgum Angela Lansbury and her sexy investigative skills!!" Assistant AD Jeff Jamrog calms the coach down after nailing down the Complete Box Set of Columbo on eBay. Jamrog notes, "It's just so great to see the coach smile everytime the old gumshoe says, 'Just one more thing...'"
2. The Huskers put 56 points and 610 yards of total offense on a flimsy K-State.
The throttling drives the Little Apple to plead with Bill Snyder to come out of retirement. Ripped away from a riveting game of peanuckle with Satan, Snyder proclaims, "My services are needed topside!"
1. Sophomore Kicker Alex Henery drills a 57-yard miracle shot to bail out "Bonehead" Pelini and deliver a birth in the New Year's Day Gator Bowl.
Omahan Earl Bennett of 52nd and Maple immediately bolts out of his pleather barcalounger, tears off his Wranglers, and goes screaming toward 72nd & Dodge. "We're going to the Gator, Baby!!"
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